Cherishing Time

Why do women feel that they have no right to their own time, a sense of guilt, of indulgence if they take time away from their family?  Why do we have this mind set and how does it affect our physical and spiritual body and our relationships?

Responsibility

When my daughter was born although I was filled with joy and love I was also drowning in the sense of responsibility that I now had.  That I would never feel that completely care free sensation of going off on my own for the day or sitting in the garden completely at peace with nothing to think about.  Because I would always know that I had my child to consider now.  I’m not complaining about that, but it has had a dramatic and profound effect on my mind and I had to relearn how to allow myself to make a little time to cherish me.

It’s an easy thing to do, to get so lost in your baby that you forget your own self and I wonder what, if any, ramifications there are to that.  What if we start to hide behind this thought pattern? What if we allow our children to become an excuse to martyr ourselves and never cherish and nurture our own needs? What if we don’t challenge our thoughts? 

In my work I see women (and men) who are completely drained of all energy, they have no perspective on their lives, everything is a chore, they are short tempered, trapped, resentful, jealous and defensive, they can’t see the joys or delights of life because they are so weighed down with the emotional and physical burden they have put on themselves.  In just 10mins we can work together to release some of that tension productively, within an hour a real sense of calm and perspective is being restored.  However, it can take years to work this accumulated anger out of their systems.  I wonder how that affects their children.

What are the effects?

 Having a child is a deep and intense change in anyone’s life but if we lose the ability to nurture ourselves then do we also do our children a disservice?

We all have those days when we want to slam doors and growl at everyone, and that’s OK, we can accept those undulations in our hormones and patience.  But it’s when we continually deny what we need and pretend that we don’t matter that tension develops in our minds and manifests itself physically as muscle or joint pain, IBS, eczema, headaches, perpetual colds and so on.  

There is plenty of evidence to show that our thoughts have an instant and profound effect on our physical body. Try this with a partner and see what happens….

Mind and body connection

Stand with your eyes open and put your right arm out in front of you.  Your partner will try to push your arm back down to your side, firmly but not forcefully, try to resist them.  This gives you a general feel for your strength.  Now close your eyes and think of things that have bought great sadness to you, remember all the negative, depressed, miserable things that really bring you down, make you cry.  Now try to resist your partner as they push down on your arm.  Finally with your eyes still shut and arm out in front of you fill you mind with everything that makes you laugh, smile, fill yourself with happiness and joy and try to resist your partner as they push your arm down.

In general people notice a significant reduction in their strength when thinking gloomy thoughts and an increase when focusing on joy and this is a very visceral and telling example of how important your mind-set is to your physical health.

Why do we deny ourselves then?

Now I’m not saying that parents should send their children to nursery as soon as possible, far from it, but perhaps we should look at our expectations and our core needs.  I’ve always said that I was born when my daughter was born because I had to learn myself all over again.  I could choose what things were carried in my life rucksack, keeping the things that were for my greater good and ditch the things that were just excess baggage. Having such a life changing event as a baby is the perfect reason to challenge and focus on the things that really matter. 

You might like to think about these questions…

• ·         Are you worried about what other people will think if we aren’t prostrating yourself for your children every moment?  Is how other people think something that you can control?
• ·         Do you think this is your duty, you are supposed to put everyone else’s needs above your own.  If that’s the case, where did we learn that from?  And is it really acceptable to think like that?
• ·         Do you enjoy the feeling of being needed that you get if you martyr yourself to your family?
• ·         What are the feelings of guilt about? Are you worthy of love and cherishment? Do you need to challenge your expectations, your judgements and self-criticism?

Positive Role model

If we are role models for our children and we want our children to make the most of their lives and be happy and empowered, then how does our attitude and action affect them? Perhaps one of our greatest gifts is to show them that even as an adult they have a choice and a right to nurture themselves.

By choosing to give yourself time not only will you feel happier and less stressed you will also be modelling an important lesson for your children to take through life. Loving yourself and cherishing your mind and body is not indulgence but an important part of a fulfilled and happy life.

So be strong and don’t indulge that guilt complex! -  you may only need 10 mins a day or perhaps a morning a week to do something solely for yourself, something that nourishes you.  And you will notice the immediate results on your relationships, on your self-esteem and on your health. 

Looking in the mirror... drawing a self portrait.

So this weekend I have been looking at self portraits and drawing myself for the first time. 

Looking into a mirror it could be very easy to get hung up on what you are seeing…but in fact I found it liberating for me to look at my face and see that my proportions are OK, my nose is nowhere near as big as I had thought all these years.  I was so interested in the effects and shapes, the lines and the colouration.  There was a softness to my mouth that I had never looked at before and the colours in my iris were so much more than ‘greeny’.  I really enjoyed indulging in my own face for a day, getting to know me again and what I look like now since having my daughter.

What was my face showing me?  What did I see reflected in the mirror?  Who is this person?

It was a delight to sit and stare, search, scribble and express myself in different ways.

I'd encourage you all to have a go!  Or does the idea of looking at yourself fill you with dread?

I was so saddened by how many of the rest of the group of women sharing this experience with me were so judgmental  so aggressive, so disgusted with their own faces.  Noticing everything that was negative, horrified by their own skin.

Why do we do that? 

If you really can’t bare to look at your face and spend so much energy verbally attacking yourself, what is that doing to you? 

So the thing that I’ve been pondering is …. How could I tell those other women that they were beautiful and that they should be kind, accepting themselves, celebrating their uniqueness and delighting in who they are?

Do people really want to spend their whole life hating themselves?  Noticing all the imperfections?  Envious of anyone or thing that appears to have what you haven’t got?  Is that easier than taking responsibility for yourself and your life?

Shouldn't we all at some point stop and really look at yourself in the mirror – warts and all!?  Look at who you really are and don’t hide from it .  Meet yourself as you really are and be truthful, frank, open.  

Send yourself some love… look in the mirror and give yourself a kiss….I know you will feel better for it. 

The gifts of motherhood

So I'm thinking today that having my daughter has given me an opportunity to look at myself very closely and question everything I thought I knew and what I believed in and who I thought I was.   That's a great gift.

I'm not saying it's an easy thing or a happy thing all the time - I've been to some dark places since having my baby but I do think now that I am stronger and more connected to life.

One of the 'awakenings' I have had is just how much love my own Mother gave to me. How many hours she must have spent watching, nurturing, worrying, loving me.... and although I can't remember those initial hours, months even years of my own life I do have the subconscious awareness that I am loved and that must have impacted my whole life.

To give your child the gift of a deep sense of worth and security in their own skin has to be the best thing you can do - isn't it?  Because all the material/physical gifts in the world, can't ever make you feel whole.

I miss my Mum so very much.  I wish I could tell her how much I appreciate what she did for me because although we had a great relationship while she was alive, I never realised just how special this bond is until I had my own baby.

So this is another unexpected gift of motherhood.... the understanding that life is very short and we must ensure that we don't waste our time on things that really aren't important.   We can look with new eyes on our habits, routines, values, conditioning, beliefs.

We won't necessarily be remembered for the amount of money we had or the value of the physical gifts we gave but, if we choose to give ourselves the time and the freedom to really embody motherhood and indeed our true selves through that process, we will be carried in the hearts of our children and in turn that gift will continue throughout the generations.

Dealing with yourself after you’ve had a baby! Melt down moments and how to cope with them

I’m useless

I should be able to cope

All other mothers can do it

I’m useless – I’m getting nothing done

I resent this crying, sleep depriving thing!… I want my old life back when I was in control.

When a child is born a mother is born – the woman may have existed before but not the mother. 

We live in a very controlled world.  We like things to be ordered, sorted, boxed and most importantly completed.

Society and our collective thought patterns are focused on working toward goals…. I bet all of you have been thinking, about getting through the birth….but have any of you considered what it will be like after the labour and the hours and days and weeks afterwards?

Have you considered it?

Acceptance of the new situation – the new you!

This is a big challenge for some, because you probably have such high expectations of yourself that you don’t even know you have yet!

Creating and giving birth to a baby – being a mother (and father) is going to be the most mind bending change your body and mind will ever go through.  You will never be the same again.

You are broken down, and you will learn a whole new you, a whole new way of being…. YOU WILL BE REBORN and you will learn and develop as your baby grows. It will be a crazy, fantastic, scary, unsettling, completely insane but utterly liberating experience.

But you have to let it happen …. You have to accept the new you or you will forever fight it and that is a burden you just don’t need to carry.

This is very easy to say but in reality it is very hard to do.

Society doesn't encourage it.  “What have you done today?”  Inevitably your mind will say “nothing, I’ve done nothing”… and this will be the beginning of your struggle with what you think you SHOULD have done.  But I want to unpick that with you….

Parenting is a job…. Changing nappies, smiling, cooing, singing, holding, sleeping with your baby is doing something.  You are mothering your baby, you are making it feel loved, you are bonding, learning, understanding, growing with your baby and that is the most important and urgent thing for you to do.  Your role as a mother is the thing you need to focus on.

Baby time – baby’s generally don’t have a set list of things to do in a day or a schedule to fulfill  they just live each moment as it comes, enjoy (or not) each experience as it comes, they aren't planning the next moment or worrying about the last one and this is a great lesson that you can learn from your baby.  

All things must change – Everything changes moment by moment, for better or worse but NOTHING IS CONSTANT so you won’t have this moment continuously, it will go.  This is a great thing to keep in mind when things are tough…. ALL THINGS MUST CHANGE…. Nothing is the same forever so no matter how bad it gets (or indeed how good it gets) it will change.

This is just a short time relative to your whole life that you have been given to enjoy and live through…. So grow, be in it don’t fight it because you will waste your precious energy on something you can’t change and it won’t be here forever.