Why do women feel that they have no right to their own time,
a sense of guilt, of indulgence if they take time away from their family? Why do we have this mind set and how does it
affect our physical and spiritual body and our relationships?
Responsibility
When my daughter was born although I was filled with joy and
love I was also drowning in the sense of responsibility that I now had. That I would never feel that completely care
free sensation of going off on my own for the day or sitting in the garden
completely at peace with nothing to think about. Because I would always know that I had my
child to consider now. I’m not complaining
about that, but it has had a dramatic and profound effect on my mind and I had
to relearn how to allow myself to make a little time to cherish me.
It’s an easy thing to do, to get so lost in your baby that
you forget your own self and I wonder what, if any, ramifications there are to
that. What if we start to hide behind
this thought pattern? What if we allow our children to become an excuse to
martyr ourselves and never cherish and nurture our own needs? What if we don’t
challenge our thoughts?
In my work I see women (and men) who are completely drained
of all energy, they have no perspective on their lives, everything is a chore,
they are short tempered, trapped, resentful, jealous and defensive, they can’t
see the joys or delights of life because they are so weighed down with the
emotional and physical burden they have put on themselves. In just 10mins we can work together to
release some of that tension productively, within an hour a real sense of calm
and perspective is being restored. However, it can take years to work this accumulated
anger out of their systems. I wonder how
that affects their children.
What are the effects?
Having a child is a deep and intense change in anyone’s life
but if we lose the ability to nurture ourselves then do we also do our children
a disservice?
We all have those days when we want to slam doors and growl
at everyone, and that’s OK, we can accept those undulations in our hormones and
patience. But it’s when we continually
deny what we need and pretend that we don’t matter that tension develops in our
minds and manifests itself physically as muscle or joint pain, IBS, eczema,
headaches, perpetual colds and so on.
There is plenty of evidence to show that our thoughts have
an instant and profound effect on our physical body. Try this with a partner
and see what happens….
Mind and body
connection
Stand with your eyes open and put your right arm out in
front of you. Your partner will try to
push your arm back down to your side, firmly but not forcefully, try to resist
them. This gives you a general feel for
your strength. Now close your eyes and think
of things that have bought great sadness to you, remember all the negative,
depressed, miserable things that really bring you down, make you cry. Now try to resist your partner as they push
down on your arm. Finally with your eyes
still shut and arm out in front of you fill you mind with everything that makes
you laugh, smile, fill yourself with happiness and joy and try to resist your
partner as they push your arm down.
In general people notice a significant reduction in their
strength when thinking gloomy thoughts and an increase when focusing on joy and
this is a very visceral and telling example of how important your mind-set is
to your physical health.
Why do we deny
ourselves then?
Now I’m not saying that parents should send their children
to nursery as soon as possible, far from it, but perhaps we should look at our
expectations and our core needs. I’ve
always said that I was born when my daughter was born because I had to learn
myself all over again. I could choose
what things were carried in my life rucksack, keeping the things that were for
my greater good and ditch the things that were just excess baggage. Having such
a life changing event as a baby is the perfect reason to challenge and focus on
the things that really matter.
You might like to think about these questions…
- · Are you worried about what other people will think if we aren’t prostrating yourself for your children every moment? Is how other people think something that you can control?
- · Do you think this is your duty, you are supposed to put everyone else’s needs above your own. If that’s the case, where did we learn that from? And is it really acceptable to think like that?
- · Do you enjoy the feeling of being needed that you get if you martyr yourself to your family?
- · What are the feelings of guilt about? Are you worthy of love and cherishment? Do you need to challenge your expectations, your judgements and self-criticism?
Positive Role model
If we are role models for our children and we want our
children to make the most of their lives and be happy and empowered, then how
does our attitude and action affect them? Perhaps one of our greatest gifts is
to show them that even as an adult they have a choice and a right to nurture
themselves.
By choosing to give yourself time not only will you feel
happier and less stressed you will also be modelling an important lesson for
your children to take through life. Loving yourself and cherishing your mind
and body is not indulgence but an important part of a fulfilled and happy life.
So be strong and don’t indulge that guilt complex! - you may only need 10 mins a day or perhaps a
morning a week to do something solely for yourself, something that nourishes
you. And you will notice the immediate
results on your relationships, on your self-esteem and on your health.
